MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tis the reason for the season!!!!!!!

December 24th...1 more day!!!

oh christmas tree oh christmas tree!!! What a day!! Man I just love life. This was truly a great christmas....even though we went snowmobiling right away this morning, and we had quite a few incidents....first alison got the big two up snomobile stuck in the ditch (we were on our way onto the snowmobile trail), then alison flipped the two up into a ditch later on(did I mention that I was ON the two up?!?!?! with her?!?!?!) Then, alison gave up on driving, Dad drove the two up with alison, and I drove a single (brand new snowmobile). Well we didnt make it more than 1/4 mile before my dad drove the two up into this huge culvert type thing, then I was driving to catch upo with brent, and I flipped the BRAND NEW snowmobile...breaking the mirror, and scaring the bajezzes out of me!!!! I thought it was going to flip on me. Well we gave up and went home. But other than that, it has been a great holiday, and I am so happy to be home. I am enjoying it. I love to see my kids reaction to everything and seeing santa, and sitting in church seeing all my old friends. My have we come a long way. This is soooo amazing. Truly the christmas spirit was alive in this house this christmas holiday.

crap! 2 days

Ok, so I hate when I forget to post, until the next day, so it is like I have two posts for one day, and that is not cool. sigh. So what I am going to write about for "yesterday".
I am not totally sure. I do have a lot on my mind. I do have a lot to process and deal with, which I use this blog for sometimes, but yet, this is open for public eyes to read and basically know about me. While sometimes I do not need certain people reading what I type, because while I vent and get it all out, which makes me feel better, it will only make the other person hurt. Which is NOT what I intended to do. Anyway, I dont know why I went off on THAT tanget.....again...the crazy mystical world of MY MIND!
Last night we wrapped presents, and man that was great. I love just giving to the people I love. I wish there was so much more I could give, but it is not all material right?!?! But I have to say it makes life so much easier if you had material things and words to tell someone how much you love them and appreciate them.
maybe thats a new new years goal......stop letting material items show how I feel, and express myself like I used to!

PRAISE! for the 3 days that are left!

Todays word at church today was Praise.
We need to praise for everything and everyone we have and what the LORD has given us. And while, I dont want to get all religiousy on here, as I wouldnt get all politicy on here during the election, I respect everyones choice for religion....BUT religion aside......we can all still be thankful and give praise for what we do have! Whether we want to thank the LORD for it, or thank yourself...whatever floats your boat....DO IT!!!! Give praise! Give a shout of thanks!
Sometimes it is not what we had planned......but maybe that wasnt "in the plan".
I wanted to have kids. Here I am with two boys...granted this wasnt my plan. I was supposed to have given birth to my kids, etc. etc. etc. That wasnt the plan for me. I endured 4 horrible christmas's without kids....but I am giving praise because now...this christmas is the BEST ever. I would through hell before....so I could finally appreciate and be thankful for what I have this year.
The plan about Ryan being dead this year....yeah I dont understand that one....But GOD does have his reasons.....and I need to respect that. For some reason, unknown to us...we need to celebrate christmas without him. But maybe then we can take this opportunity to give praise for what we DO have.
So everyone....give praise!!!!!!!

4 more days, and I am getting gray hair.....

Ok I am not literally...but I feel like I am losing my mind.
Ok not really. But I am SO happy and excited. I could scream. I also told Devon that Santa does NOT come to houses that are dirty. So today we are having a major cleaning spree. ahaha. It is kind of great actually. For the first time.....he is actually helping me! Woohoo! And I am trying to clean, but Anthony the terror, keeps messing it up! I have this tote full of papers that need to be shredded, I put them all in that tote, to come back seriously a minute later, to find the papers all over the office again! GRRRRRRR. Same with the toys. Poor devon has to clean them up, just to have his terror of a brother pull them all out again. oh to be one!
Also I am beginning to realize what an effect christmas is having on my inlaws. Here I am happy and so excited, and they all are getting more and more depressed. I really dont know what to do. My mother in law is trying to ease the pain of Patty (wife of Ryan, in case you forgot)(oh and in case you doubly forgot...which happens.....Ryan, is brents brother who passed away this august due to Hanta Virus. He left 3 little girls behind)and the girls by buying them more presents and gifts. I am having a hard time with this, because
1. christmas is not about gifts. You shouldnt try to make someone feel better because of the gifts
2. your punshing the other kids (MY kids) because their daddy didnt die, so now they get to watch the girls open tons of presents while they sit there
3. why not take that money and help some other family who NEEDS the presents. There are a TON of people whi have lost their parent(s), and are poor and cannot afford christmas. Put the money there.
4. Brents dads work recently had Patty and the Girls are their family for the year. Which means they seriously brought over a truck load of toys and goodies.......there are so many families who NEED thos things. Why give it to someone who does not want for material goods. Plus, buying gifts will not and does not bring Ryan back.

Ok, maybe it is just hard for me to see their point of view. I know this all sounds super bitchish, please forgive me. BUT I miss Ryan terribly. I do. I dont want christmas without him. This christmas is going to suck with out him being there, doing all those things he does. But, I am not loading myself with presents. I am not putting my sadness into material goods. That is not what Ryan would have wanted, and that is NOT what christmas is all about. They should put that money into a charity under his name, or some kind of memorial. In fact...I will do that with Ryans share of christmas money this year. I wasnt going to do any of that, but I better practice what I preach. I will. Hopefully someone else can benefit from Ryan passing away. It is was Ryan would have wanted.

5!!!!!!

Holy Moly...ok these darn christmas cards! Seriously! I can totally feel the....I dont know the word....the effect kids have on my organization. Every year I was getting my cards out by the very first of december. Either literally the 1st or like the 2nd or 3rd. But this year.....Um it is december 19th and they are STILL sitting on my table!!!!!! blah. Everytime I go and try to take care of them...one of my kids...mainly Anthony....is having a meltdown. Now I dont blame him because he has some major teething issues right now. He is getting his eye teeth in, and I am seriously thinking a molar or two. His jaw is poofy, he has canker sores.....poor babe.
So if you are waiting for your christmas card...I apologize. It is getting there. You will probably get it..literally on christmas! hahaha.
Also , sorry if you get one either because I have lost a lot of addresses! (Like you Lisa!!! I have no clue where the bloody heck your address is! So I apologize!)

6 more days and COUNTING!!!!!!

Seriously..where does time GO!!!! Oh my.
So Brent and I went on a date last night. IT WAS GREAT!
Secondly....goober is driving me nuts. He must be getting his eye teeth in, because this kid whines and cries and wakes up in the middle of the night and thrashes and kickes and cries and whines and screams. He wants me constantly, and he has two canker sores on his tounge, and his upper lip was poofy today, and all he wants is me. Poor babe. We are attempting to do One year photos today...only because I have already canceled it 3 times. I am afraid to call JC Penney anymore, or they might say only 2 cancellations per family! haha
There was something I was going to talk about today...I told my sister that I was...and now I forgot....crap.
Also...the reason why this blog is NOT festive....is....I dont know how!!! Seriously. I am a blog loser. I dont know how to make it pretty :(
or maybe I should actually try........
whatever
Along with previous topics...I must discuss I am so grateful and thankful for my family (yeah yeah Thanksgiving has passed), but I am. Truly am. Thank you family. Not just my husband and my two babes. My mom and dad and sister and brother and his wife and son, and my inlaws and my aunts and my uncles and everyone. Seriously. They help me make me ...well....me everyday!
I see the horrible things people are doing and say oh God! I dont want to end up like that....so I dont. There I just molded myself...thanks to them! Or I see other people being admired, so I focus myself and get myself some goals....and achieve them. Thanks guys! Or listening to them telling me to stand up for myself, or making my outside harder when it needed to be. Thanks. I couldnt be who I am today with out you!!!!
And honestly...why stop at Family. Thank you everyone. All my friends. Even people I stalk blogs. You help me make me me. Thanks for touching my life, and mold me into something that I am happy of today. Thanks for being there when I needed you! I only hope I could do the same for you!! (Like be a postive force...not the negative oh my gosh I dont want to be like Amy thing!!!)

7!!!!!!

Ok, I hope I didnt go and freak anyone out by my huge long explaination of myself yesterday. I should have made it short and sweet, but as we all forget....I need to explain WHY. So basically, in case you are all confused....I used to be a great person...then something happened to me in my life....turned my emotions bitter...and now I am trying to change them to be the Amy that I used to be. Get it?! Got it?! Good!
Now today....we talk about why I want to change myself...er....not CHANGE! People dont change. We fine tune. Why I want to to fine tune....I was noticing my friendships...were no longer....and more importantly...my husband and I seemingly to drift farther and farther apart. I could say that a divorce would be easier, and while he drives me freaking bonkers some times....I want to....but can't. Literally I can't. Not because the church or my momma says no. Because I love him. I love him SO much. He is my soul mate. He is half of me. So why would I divorce that? It is like cutting off my leg and arm. Why would you do that?! So, while we BOTH have a lot to work on, I know a lot of it was brought on because of me. I never used to see that, but recently, I did. I asked Brent what would make him look at me, act, and be the way things used to be?! So we fought and kicked and screamed and hit and cried and all that, and finally....I think we hit the same ball field...FINALLY!!!! But we see eachother now. Plus...the makeup sex after was GGGRRRREEEAAT! But still...keeping it family style.....we are working together finally. No more, well he is doing this, so I will do this. And we both are doing it now. I couldnt be happier....and ever time I say I love him so much, I end up falling more in love with him. I dont know how much more I can fall for this guy. Seriously. I love him so much now my heart hurts. Literally.
But anyway, that was my subject for today......I fine tune not just for me....for my husband too...for us...for our marriage....for our family.

8 more days to GO!!

Ok so change....I really want to change, or I shouldnt even say change...more fine tuning. I love who I am. Honestly I am a great person, bubbly, energetic, and honestly I am a great time. No I am not trying to sell myself, but I have noticed since my journey through infertility, I ended up changing...or fine tuning into something I am not too proud of. I became very bitter, full of hatred, and really not that nice of a person. People probably thought I was a huge bitch, but with reason. I know it is very hard for anyone to understand what I was feeling for the past 4 years if they have not struggeled with infertility themselves. So during this time, all of my friends were getting married (while me, I was already married and trying to have babies), and they were getting pregnant like it was nothing at all (which is how I imagined it to be for me!). Most of them werent even planning, some of them the pg was unwanted at that time, but even if they were planning, it was like we want a baby...fast forward a month or two...WE"RE PREGNANT! And while they would want me to be happy, it was hard. Here I just miscarried my babies, and I am supposed to be happy for them. While dont get me wrong....I WAS very very happy. I never ever ever would ever wish infertility on someone else. Not even people I dislike. But it was hard for me to be showing happy, while I am breaking up inside thinking of my babies in heaven. Thinking could this ever be me?! And try after try, month after month, bloody cycle after (literally) bloody cycle, someone else was getting pregnant, and I was losing hope of ever being a mother. So hence, the bitterness sat in. What did I do? I married. I didn't do drugs or sleep around. I waited until I was married. I loved my husband. We had jobs. we had a stable future and career. I graduated with a degree. This was not fair. So the hatred set in. hatred for myself that I couldnt be openly happy for my friends, hatred that they could get pregnant, hatred that I couldnt have a big round belly.
Anyway, so as time progressed, I just sank more and more into myself, until finally that blessed day I got Devon. And I have to say, my life is full of rainbows and happy stars. And my little pumpkin Anthony. seriously, I could be a happier person. I am SO fleaping happy. I can actually be happy for other people now! They get pregnant, they tell me, and I AM HAPPY! I can be happy on the outside. I can go to showers and be happy! I was there for the birth of my nephew. It was amazing. I am so happy.
But, I think because I spent so many years being bitter and unhappy, I still feel traces of that left in me. I think it is kind of a drug. It was easier for me to be unhappy, lock myself up, and hate everyone. Now that I am happy, trying to reconnect with old friends, it is like some of that still is in my system. I sometimes want to be bitter again because even though I have my boys, I still havent been pregnant. I havent felt sick with morning sickness or felt them move in my belly. I havent breast fed. All things important to me.
Sometimes these flickers of despair still surge up and question whether or not I will ever feel that. I dont know. I would like to hope that I will.
Anyway, so new years resolution #1. fine tune myself to control these flickers, and truly be happy with what I have. Never minding the future. Living in the now. Being Happy with life and the life around me!

oh my gosh....and 9 more days to go!

This weekend was a great weekend! We went snowmobiling for the first time this year in our brand new snowmobile gear, on the brand new snowmobiles. It was pretty great!We did see open water, which was a little freaky, but we turned around and were outta there with no prob.
After, Devon decided to ignore all of our pleads and requests and DEMANDS that he watches where he drives, and drove his brand new little snowmobile, right into Grandpas new snowmobile......ouch. Luckily no one was hurt (just my hands, from clentching on so hard telling myself that DIDN"T really happen, and for me to control myself and not lash out at my son.)
Again no matter damage. Just some plastic. whew!!!!
We had a big huge storm here this weekend too, which added like 2 feet of snow to our ground. Lovely.
Other than that.....cant think of too much else. I CANT WAIT TILL CHRISTMAS! I should really try and write everyday until christmas. That would be lovely. Maybe something about change or something. Prepping for the new year.
With that I will stop......so I can have something to talk about tomorrow! hahahahahah

It's beginning to look a lot like christmas!

everywhere I go!!!!

Oh man I love the christmas season. It just gets me so excited. And while I have to say, I hate saying I feel so excited for christmas, because I almost feel horrible for feeling so excited because Ryan will not be here this christmas. I am seriously almost dreading spending christmas with brents side because that means Ryan will not be there. Everyone will be sad. Including me. I want christmas to be fun. Is that selfish?! I try not to think it is because christmas IS a time of rejoicing. And while a lot of our loved ones are not here to celebrate with us (either because they live far away or they are in heaven), we should still be rejoicing that Jesus was born on this day for us, and that we should be thankful and happy for our families. So I am trying to stay positive and upbeat and not let the negativity get me down. BECAUSE I LOVE CHRISTMAS! And to think, seriously, a year ago today, I was the most depressed person you had ever met. There was nothing more that I wanted to have a baby, and to be a family....a REAL family with my husband. And here, a year later, I have 2 of the most amazing boys you have EVER SEEN!!!! AHHHH!!!! I am the most happiest and thankful person!!

I should try and change my blog to make it more festive....my house...why cant my blog be?!?!?! I will work on that!!!!

ugh

Man am I so sorry it takes me freaking forever to post lately. I have to say I have been kind of busy! haha Aren't we all??
Well I have been busy christmas decorating, believe it or not, and I have to say, man I feel good!!! I freaking love the christmas spirit. It is just something that gets inside of me, and I am like AHHHHHHHHHH singing and dancing all day long.
My house is getting like totally decked out for the halls! haha. Every room has a theme. I have snowflakes on the walls, garland around every door and window in my house, and not to mention the 5 christmas christmas trees.....not counting the little baby ones.
I love christmas. enough said. I will try to post pictures, because damn, this year, I outdid myself!!!! Hopefully I will be done decorating by chrustmas!!! Yeah, I am that intense.
lets see...what else.
Anthony, is OURS. Ours ours ours ours ours.....any questions??!?!?!?! OURS! Both mom and dad signed away. thank god. It was a very hard day in court. I actually felt bad for the mom. The dad....well....lets say he is less that desirable. And not his looks...him....as a person. Mom totally wanted to do this, and she cried through the whole thing, but she still said she wanted to do it, and it was the right thing. We even talked after court for a bit. She doesnt want anything open, but maybe once a year a picture and an update. I can do that. She would be an amazing person if it wasnt for drugs and alcohol. My kids better not ever touch the stuff, or I will say they will end up like their birth parents.
Devon went hunting this weekend with Brent. Yes I was way leary of it. A little 4 year old out hunting?!?!?! Yeah not a big fan. But he did good. Grandpa did not shoot a deer while they were there, do Devon was way upset. He had a good time.......and you know...I will digress here a little bit. I am a little hurt, and almost regretting the weekend. When Devon and Brent came back, I was so excited, and I gave devon a big hug, and he cried because he just wanted his dad. Then later he is telling me how he wants to only be by dad. And then that he is going to grandma and grandpas house only with his dad and me and anthony can stay home. what the?!?!?! I mean I KNOW he knows it pisses me off. So he is saying it because it does. Still, nonetheless, it hurts. It is like he spent the weekend with Brent, and now he doesnt even want to be by me. Man I hate inlaws. I hate the whole thought of it. I better watch what I do or say because pretty soon I am going to alienate myself so bad. grrrrr. Amy, come on and get a grip withyourself. shame!
Alright, I am over it. Maybe I will take devon out of school early today and spend time with him. Good mommy son bonding time. hehehehehe. Gotta love it!

long time....long time.....

Man has it really been 8 days since I lasted posted?!?!?! YIKES!
Well, news flash on me....I did not accept the job. Once I got there, it just did not feel right. Everything felt wrong. I was trying to get myself all hyped up, but man, there was this thing inside of me, that was like......wrong......I dont know. So I basically said no thanks, actually more of a, I will talk to my husband and get back to you, but I am not too sure yet. hehehe.

Anyway, other things on the news front......I hope our country doesnt perish due to recent developments in our political system......but he is the president. My loyalty ever remains to whomever is the president....so lead us oh fearless leader. But I voted! And I hope all of you did too!!!!!!! (except my dearest friend Lisa, abroad...because she couldnt because is living across the pond....but can y ou send in like an absentee ballot?!?! Can you still vote if your an american citizen but live elsewhere?!?!?! Fill me in Lis!)

Anyway.....Anthony is a terror. He is walking and into everything. Just thought I would throw that out there. In case anyone was curious. I would love to post pictures, but both of our computers are going to hell, so I am scared to download pictures in case they freeze up again, and then I loose my precious pictures before I can get them on a cd. Sigh..........AND CHRISTMAS! Is coming up. And yes people I know, Thanksgiving is not here yet, and it seems like every year christmas always comes a little earlier than last year.....but still. I love the christmas spirit. And yah its stupid they were playing christmas music at WalMart the day after halloween, but I am in SUCH a good mood now when I am at Wal Mart. usually I try to plot how I can run people over with my cart! And I love that it is starting to snow, and ALL I think about it buying presents for my boys and celebrating and getting our tree, and man oh man I AM SO EXCITED!!! This is going to be the BEST ever!!!! So so be it....lets make christmas last a little longer......some people get sick of the holiday spirit...but bah humbug to you. Bring on the Egg Nog!!!!!!

Get out there and VOTE!!!!!!!!!

Hey everyone, while I will not tell you HOW to vote...even though I can say that Sarah and John RULE! But besides the point....VOTE!!! Voice your opinion! I do NOT want to hear anyone complain about our government if you have not voted!!!!!
ps.....here is an awesome video to get you into the mood!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4TIitZpqv4

Update!

Ok my whole job situation just got crazier.
First of they, after NOT contacting me, and I had to call, they said they have some applicants with Director Experience. What the hell? How am I ever supposed to get experience if people dont give it to me?!?!? Dumb.
Anyway but they are offering, or like offering to interview or whatever for a regular position. But it is less money that before, and now I am like panicking. Is this right?!?!?! Should I be doing this??!?! I mean this is a huge deal. And not for seriously that much more of money. I mean yeah its more, but still. Expecially last night both brent and I had dreams about staying here. Mine was way cooler. Our social worker told me to wait for the next big thing and not to move. and Andre 3000 ending up dying so I went to his funeral and then when I showed up, he "woke up", and he told me he loved me so much and to marry him, so I did and I thank Traci and she said see! I told you. Well t hen we got married and I ended up pregnant finally and had cute black babies. And brents dream was lame and he just got a promotion. But is this right for us?!?! Do we move?!?!?! Are we destined to stay here forever....or at least for a while longer?!?!?! I am so confused and I wish GOD would just tell us already. Like I want a clear answer. So stupid signs in dreams, either saying I have a crush on Andre (haha!) or that I am losing my mind. was it a sign or stay here?!?!?! I mean both of us had a dream to stay here on the same night!!!!!!!!!! gosh. I just dont know. Maybe I should get an 8 ball......maybe that will answer all my problems!!!

The Good and the Bad (well sad)

The Good
oh my gosh! She emailed me AGAIN! She basically just said when can you move and when can you inerview? AHHHHHHH. I know I shouldn't get ahead of myself by getting overly excited, but this is a very good step! I am so pumped. SO I emailed back, and then today thought, dumb, I should just call. So I called, but I am waiting for a reply. Both times she emailed me it was around 5 o clock, so I wonder if that is just a time when she can talk freely, or check emails, or whatever. I am so pumped!

The Bad
We got a call last night for another placement.....a little girl. I know what your thinking. This is BAD Amy Lynn?!?!?!?!
Well it is because we said no. I actually left the entire decision up to Brent. He said no because...of......really everything. I mean I might be moving. Then WE would move, and I am having a hard enough time trying to get Goober moved, let alone another foster child. And our house is too small, and the dynamic with Anthony and Devon is like...well what it should be. Like 2 brothers, fighting and playing and having so much fun together. It is sooo perfect. I dont want to mess with it. And this little girl was a year old. SO Having a 10 month old and a year old. WOW!!!! Now...I am not saying we wouldn't or couldnt have done it. BUT wanna know the clincher?!?!?!?!?!?!?
It wasn't even permanent. I made Brent call the lady back, and tell her no. And thank GOD I did, because then he was feeling...I don't if guilty or regret or whatever it was, but he asked questions. Something I didnt, dont, and never think about. I just hear....wanna a baby? and I am like YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So yah, she would have only been with us for a few short months. Which would have killed me. They were very very positive about this little girl going back to her parents. And usually social workers are SO dead on about these things. NOT saying they make mistakes....but they are truly 99.9% right. (or at least the good ones!)
Of course I was sad and unhappy and depressed. I felt like I lost this child. y baby. My baby girl. All my hopes and dreams of barbies and pigtails with lace and frill went down the toilet. While I know I will get my pigtails, and I will be able to pull out my barbies SOMEDAY! I want that day soon. Who knows. ONce we get moved and situated, I can have a girl next year. Or maybe, by GODs graces, I can maybe end up pregnant one day?!?!?!?!?! (just throwing that thought out there Lord!!!)
SO happy sad day yesterday.
But on the brighter note......goobs is walking like across rooms and stuff!!! AHHHH my babe. I dont have my girl, but my two boys mean everything to me. And I am SOOO happy!!!!!!!

Job Update!

Ok so she emailed me last night wondering about how many early childhood classes I have taken. AT LEAST SHE EMAILED ME! I am thinking that I am looking like a good candidate! So I pulled out the trusty (dusty) transcript, went onto UNDs website and I cross checked every class that I had with classes that UND said would be required for an early childhood license. I have 18 credits. I checked with google and found the North Dakota licensing requirements for preschool directors, and you need at least 16 credits. SO I think I am qualified!!!!! Whether or not I get the job....that all depends because there might be somebody who has more experience or something. There is always somebody better than you out there somewhere! (or so they say....)
So the only down side about this all is that I am starting to freak out about the realization that I MIGHT actually get this job. Which means I would move to fargo, which means.....what the H Diggity would I do with my boys?!?!?!?!!??!!? I CANNOT live a whole week without them. I just cant. Expecially anthony. He changes so much everyday. I miss his little giggles and coos. And I love how in the middle of the night he says maaaaaammmmmmaaaaa mmmmmmmaaaaaammmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaa. So I grab him and have him snuggle with me in bed. sigh. I cant live without that. Devon is in school, he is going to start hockey, and he has made a lot of friends, and has started to go to their birthday parties. So he needs his daddy, and I think he should be with the life he has in GF right now. Until we can all move. I dont want to keep "rocking" his boat by making him move houses and schools and friends AGAIN.
The only issue is that Goobs (nickname for Anthony) is still in foster care. He cant technically leave the county. They might be able to work something out because of how close we are to adoption with him. I dont want to get my hopes up. But gosh darn, if I have to move without my baby.........*pAnIcK aTtAcK*
But then again, I might not even get it. I did have a dream last night though that they just offered me the position. They said I needed training first. I said ok when and where. She said in two days in Honolulu. I said.......alright!!!!!!! I will start packing!!!!!!
So is that a sign.....or an omen. Or wait.....are signs and omens the same thing......hmmmmmm

DUMB JOBS!

Grrrrr. Ok there is this other job that I applied for I really really REALLY want it. I am not sure why I am wanting it so bad because it is not an Elementary Teaching Position. It is actually a preschool position, but with power. I dont want to say too much, but yah being in charge would be awesome! I totally feel like I can do this and I totally feel like I am in a position where I CAN do this. I turned in my Resume and then I finally called today to see the progress. Well she said she remembered me (YEAH!) But was really curious about me having preschool experience. Well I havent had a lot of classes or whatever. But grrrrr. I mean whatever works out, works out. It would be hard for me to move, without the boys and brent, and I am not sure how we could and would do it. It would be easier for Brent to move first. But he stupid wont get his act on it. He looks for jobs, but he wont apply. Or he applies way above himself, which is a good thing, but I mean apply within what you can do also. Grrrr about this whole thing. They are planning on doing interviews next week. I hope I get one because then I can prove my case to them. cross fingers!!!(and toes...and whatever else you can cross). Because I honestly feel like if I dont get a job out of town.....we are never going to move. I know my husband too well.

Dont Read

Describe what standards and benchmarks, in your area of instruction, mean to you. How do you assess that you have met the standards?
OK sorry for this post, I need to save this. It is for my job application, and student Red River wont let me log into gmail. So this is the only program I can log into to save this.
yes I am applying for jobs while I am subbing on the regular teachers computer! What of it?! And yes I will delete this post too. But feel free if you really wanted to read all about how I feel about benchmarks and standards and technology and how I am ready for this job. Gosh people! Just freaking hire me already then I wont have to go through this hell!!!!!!!!!!!


Standards and Benchmarks mean a lot to me. Working as a coordinator for the after school program, 95% of my students were low achieving. This means they were not meeting the standards and benchmarks. That also meant they were not excelling in school. I took those benchmarks and standards and incorporated a lesson plan in which I could reach my students on all of their different levels and help them reach the benchmarks, the standards, and excel in school and in their self esteem.

As a teacher having the standards and benchmarks really helped to correlate my lesson planning and making sure every students needs were being met. There are so many ways to teach a single topic. Standards help make sure the teacher is staying in line with what is expected of them, and making learning fun.

The standards and benchmarks also help us test each student and treat them as an individual while we are teaching them. We see where each student is, create a lesson plan to get the students below standard up to a level that is necessary, and then to take those students who are on standard, to get them to an even high level of learning.

Benchmarks also really help us as the teacher and the parents understand where their student should be academically. Sometimes it is hard to gage with all the different levels of intellect, but with benchmarks’ and testing, we can see where a student falls on the scale, and then make sure they are getting the lessons and the work that is best fit for them as an individual.






How would you incorporate educational technology to improve instruction?

Technology is an ever changing thing in our society and is vital to everything we do. Students need to be aware of the technology and the role it plays in the real world. I would incorporate technology in any and every way possible.

Teaching students how to make a power point, brochures, and different varieties of paper structuring is an important thing to be teaching our students from the very earliest grade.

Teaching students how to work on computer, including typing, mouse handling, and basic getting around the computer options should also be a high priority.

Communication between the teachers, the teachers and the office, and teachers to parents would be easier and convenient if staff worked and communicated through their computers. I have seen an instant messaging system set up between the teachers to help with any quick issue during the day, reporting attendance, and any other notice there would be in a day. Keeping grades on a system where a parent can look and keep track of their students performance, and then communicate with the teacher about, helps keep that line of communication open between home and school.

Technology is such an important thing, and any way possible technology can be used, learned, and taught, I think it should be to its’ fullest potential.




I have learned so much from the experience I have had as a coordinator, teacher, and a sub so far to make me a very highly qualified employee.

I have learned that communication is the number one key component to whatever you are doing. Whether it is something minor like a behavior slip with a student, or a field trip, or something else going on through out the day, it needs to be communicated to the correct people. Talking with parents is a big thing. Keeping that line of communication open, and then keeping an open mind about everything really solves issues, and helps make a better environment for everyone. Communicating with staff about simple ideas or questions helps everyone learn, benefit, and makes for a better learning environment. Same goes with administration.

I have learned to stick with my goals and my beliefs, but to keep an open mind about everything else around me. I have learned that I will continue learning throughout my entire life, even some pretty simple stuff from the youngest of person!

I have seen and been part of so many different types of students from such a huge variety of backgrounds. I have handled and been through issues with students I would never dream kids would worry or have to go through, and been part of the happiest times of their lives.
The biggest thing that I could take from all my experience, because I have a lot of things I have taken, is being open with everything and everyone. Being a positive team player and taking responsibility. Never stop learning to be the best teacher you could be.

My baby is Baptized

I am so happy! My baby, actually my big boy is baptized. Everything is all sealed and done. Like a little blonde crazy irrate package! I just want to cry thinking of the road that led us to Devon and how we got here to where we are. It is just weird. According to the government and all paperwork, Devon was born to me and brent. He is our "natural" child as the courts say. It is weird, because it feels that way. I honestly feel like he has grown inside me since the very point of conception. I felt like I have held him, cradled him for 9 months. Labored for his appearance into the world, and have had 3, almost 4 years (yIkEs!!) of him! And you know, honstly, it is true. I have had this idea of a child in my head and in my heart. I knew somewhere somehow I would get my baby. He was growing there. In my heart. Then I did labor. I (we) labored very hard to get through all the hard time of infertility to get where made a decision to adopt. Then to go through all those labors of paperwork and home studys and visits and hospital checks and tests to make sure we werent insane! You know, I labored more than the average woman. Sorry ladies....I have you beat. Dont care how rough your labor was. hehe. Just kidding. While I have not had Devon in our lives for almost 4 years, we love him so much and he fills us, it is like, now I cant even imagine life without him. Seriously. How did I go on without him??? How did I survive this long without him?? While it is very sad that I never spent his first 3 years with us, but I am so happy he will spend the rest of his life with us. And yes I do tease him about never leaving mommy. I even say Devon you have to live in my mom and dads basement and get married and have kids, but you cant ever leave me. He says ok!! Watch....it will probably come true! Yikes! I will be eating my words then!!

And I while this post is all about Devon and nothing about Anthony, that does not mean at all I dont feel the same about Anthony. But it was Devons day. It is devons big celebration, so I am focusing on him. Plus, us oldest need and crave constant attention. middle (well anthony is still the baby, man we have been calling him the middle a lot lately...hmmmm does this mean we are fortelling the future?!?!?!?! I sure hope so! I will keep you posted!!!) children could care less. As long as his momma is holding him constantly....which I am doing and he is trying to type. darn kids

and a picture to satisfy my long adoring fans...or stalkers....either or! hahaha

Like my better picture taking qualities!? I was focusing!!!! And one more, cause I am too darn cute!!!!!

Taking pictures....

Ok this isnt the best picture in the world. But I have to post it. I have to show it off. My family.

I love my little family. I cant wait until my family gets bigger. I am just in love with it.

Also....What is it with me taking horrible pictures recently. I used to be so photogenic! I know some of you dont care, but for those who do.....learn a lesson from me. See this picture? I am crunched. While I was taking this picture, I was thinking like I am cuddled with my boys, and my husband. Thus, I am cuddled, but in the picture it makes me look like a hunchback. Also, my legs are a stance apart. They should be. They should be together. Not tight together. There should be a space. But together non the less. It makes my hips look boxy and huge. Also, in my attempt to "cuddle" with my boys, I manged to crouch down to them, and then sticking out my stomach. Bad no no. It makes me look like I have a gut. Which I do....but not that big! Also, I shouldnt have had my arm so much infront of me. In again, trying to get close to my boys, I turned my body into them. Thus putting my arm in the front. Because my body is at an angle, and my arm is now in front, It is making my arm look huge, and my body not that big in comparison. Dont laugh at the nylons. I had to wear them because of court. BUT I should NOT have gotten the shiny gloss ones. I do have problem buying hoisery though. I mean I do not feel right spending money on something that is going to tear after one use anyway....but man in this picture, its like HELLO SHINE! hmmmm. So I guess we can all learn a lesson.

Stand straight. Dont turn your body. Lean, but dont crouch. Keep legs a space apart. Dont cuddle or huddle or anything like that. I think thats about it. If I cant do it right, at least I can be a good example right?! man with all this advice, I should go pro......make some money and alleviate those problems!!!

Life is good.....

Man I couldn't be happier with life right now.
Actually there are a lot of things to complain about right now. Money being the main one. Why is it that there (oh my gosh! I have to just add....there was a fly that was pissing me off beyond belief, and flying around my face, when all of a sudden I had had it, and I smacked my hands together in frustration....and what do you know....yep! The fly was in my hands!!!!!!! Holy Moly. Another thing to add on the Reasons Amy is happy right now) is never enough money! Why? And why does money have to rule everything. I am so sick of fighting over money. If there were fights over money, I don't think I would ever fight with my husband. The biggest problem, is how do we fix it? I am in a career path that really....I cannot climb the ladder. What I get is what I get. And each year, yes there are steps of pay incraments, but come on people...everyone knows you go into teaching for the love....not the money. So really I cannot go anywhere in my life/job. And I am perfectly ok with that. So really all the "bring home bacon" duties fall on my husband. And my husband has no idea what the heck he wants to do with his life. And I mean, he is seriously a jack of all trades. He is good at SO many things, I am jealous. He is great with people, computers, construction, HR phony bologna, traveling, you name it. He is good at it. But he just cannot settle down, and pick something to be good at. He is always looking for the next step after that. When he applied for a job, he applies thinking, where can I go from here. Which is good, but good god. Pick a job already and stick with it and be there!!! When he got his recent job, that day he was already looking for other jobs to be at. sigh. I just want some stability people! sigh......don't we all.
Anyway, on the other side of the news, HAPPY DAY! Devon is officially adopted and his name is officially changed and all that jazz. I am so excited. In a week we are having his big adoption/baptism party, so ever the party planner I am! I am busy getting that ready. Then literally not even a month later, Devons birthday, and then again, not even a month later, Anthony turns the big 1!!!!!!!
I am happy with life right now though. I am not sure why....I mean I know why, but it is like the Amy that I knew from back in High School is like creeping around and showing her face. When I was dealing with all our infertility issues, it is like I crept into a hole, and I really hadnt ever come back out. Now it is like I am able to come out, and stay out. Some things still are quick to chase me back in. But now it is like I go in, and then I end up coming out quicker than I would have thought, and I am back in the sunshine sitting on my pink floaty above my pool of depression, sipping a pina colada. So in other words....I am rising above it all. Happily.
ps.....I am starting to like this subbing thing. Kids are getting quick to know me throughout the whole school, so when I walk down the halls, everyone is saying HELLO MRS H!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhh..how great it feels to be popular amongst the kindergartners! hahaha.

PICTURES!

Yah...I know....about freaking time huh?!?!

This one is of erica beating up anthony....or at least teasing him with his bottle....

My daredevil of an older son........

ok, gotta get going. Brent caught me goofing around.....crap. Back to cleaning....

Yeah for everyone!

Ok, lots are going on, but not really to me directly. But I guess they are.
My friend online, her son was born and the birth mom signed away the rights right away with no issue. Now they are enjoying being parents!! I am so pumped for them!!!
My other friend...well she is not really my friend...just someone who I "stalk", she just miscarried...
My other friend (well, again not really like friends, but we talk.....) she just had a hysterectomy and had her bad ovary removed. There was a lot of scarring and A LOT of issues with her lady town resulting from sexual abuse.
My nephew is eating food I hear. He needs to "beef" up as the dr says. We have been telling them the same thing for a while now....but whatever! Why listen to family?!?! Crazy first time parents who don't know anything.....
Anthony, my son, likes to beat up kids at daycare, and his cousin Dominic. It is pretty funny. He tries to beat up his older cousin Erica(Brents side), but she is bigger than he is, for now, and so she just lays on him...literally.
Oh! And our good news.....Devon is going to be officially adopted Sept. 22nd. YEAH. Party time. Well actually the party isnt until October 5th. Then he will be baptised, and everything will be so grand.
Speaking of grand, I wish I could find a job. I mean I have been subbing, which is ok.....and I have busy full time. With only like a day or two off each week. But thank goodness I have my Pracs job to make up for that slack. I just wish I could have my own classroom. Something I have been wishing for since like when I was 5!!!! 20 years later.....no new development. Lucky me.
I need comments I have decided. People comment on my post. Then at least I dont feel like I am talking to myself like I normally do.....
But anyway. Today is one of my days off, and so I am attempting to clean the house. Sigh. I am so sick of cleaning. But yeah! At least I am kind of "winter" cleaning. And at least it is for an excellent reason!!!!

um......

So here I am. Subbing for the first time this year again.
grrrr. I actually don't mind it. Sometimes I do. Today I have 7th grade english. They are actually good kids. I really don't prefer High School. Probably because everytime I subbed at High School, the kids thought I was the new student.
I have to say, I am feeling kind of guilty, because I am using the teachers laptop.....to write this post......hahaha. Awe well. Also I am drinking a starbucks coffee and eating a lunchables pizza. man life isnt that bad at all......

on other things....is it bad to wish for someone to do the wrong thing, only if it means that it will save another persons life?? What if wishing for a bad thing will actually result in a good thing.........

why

why does life have to be ended so soon. Even when someone has lived a long and meaningful life. It still hurts. Why does it have to hurt. Why does everything I get in life, I have to work for. Why is everything in life so hard. Why do I have to go through so much pain in order to be happy. Why do people do things, be able to get away with and not have any kind of remorse or punishment, and yet get to go on in life getting what they want, while I sit here, constantly getting "the news", and I am just supposed to sit tight and wait. Why do I have to freaking wait for freaking everything in my lif??
Why do I have to sit and question and wonder about this in this first place??
Why am I even so jealous and even get bothered like I do about these subjects. Why can't I be hard to the core. I hate this. I hate the whys. I hate the issues. I sometimes hate life. I hate that I love life so much it hurts. Why do I have to be so compassionate.
why
thats all I want to know is why............

Hotel Stay!

First time ever with the kids in a hotel, by ourselves. The first "official" time ever was family Vaca. But this time was cool. Brent had Guards. We brought our dvd player with. It was great. A little boring, since this hotel did not have a swimming pool....and no there were no other hotels to switch too or I would have!! The funny little story though the hotel desk clerk lady kept calling me today asking when I would check out. And I was like lady, my husband is in the guard, I have two kids, no vehicle, and no where to go when I leave. They told you I can stay, so leave me alone. Well the hotel lady said I had to be out by 11 30, but Brents something in charge master sergent something or something talked to her and said I can stay until 2. Well at 2 05, she is calling me telling me what time it is. I am like I know. Needless to say she kept on calling me until we finally leave at 2 30. Whatever. Like I had control. I had no vehicle and two kids. Whatever. thats my story.
Is anyone else sad that school has alrady started? Also that Devon starts his school in like a week???? I am sad.

and life goes on...unfortunantly

brents brother passed away August 5th. On my birthday. I have spent the past two weeks spending time with my sister in law. It killed me leaving her and her three beautiful girls on sunday. I feel so overwhelmed now that I back at home. Let me explain some more. But man it kind of really breaks my heart even writing about it. He was a man who shouldnt have passed away. All because of a hontavirus caused by some stupid rodent, my brother in law is in heaven. we left to see him when he was in the hospital (he was only in the hospital for a total of 36 hours, thats how fas this went) in a sudden hurry. we werent even home from the weekend for more than 13 hours. So we werent packed, so we have to borrow and buy a ton of stuff while we were away. Which also meant that we left our house in its current status.....which is now....mold covered. eewwwww. Also coming back, we found out someone stole our lawnmower......freaking jerks. I lost my job due to decreased enrollment. I still havent found a daycare for anthony. ugh. I could go on with the things that went and are wrong. Ryan is not here. that is the most wrong with this whole life picture. While life will go on....it sucks, because we wish ryan could go on with us. I guess I will scrap and clean up all the mold, buy a new lawnmower, hopefully make up my big 25 birthday, and move on with my life, Ryan is watching over us, cheering me on, and saving me front row seats.

kids with grubby little fingers......

ok so anthony got really sick on like thursday. Nose running, eyes watering, coughing, sneezing. I thought it was allergies, but actually it was probably a cold. anyway, so as his whining and crying and crawling all over me continues all weekend, he ends up sticking his hands in my mouth, and giving me wet sloppy, snotty, drooly kisses all over my mouth. I immediatly freak out, because I do not want to get sick. And kept telling devon, dont put your fingers in your mouth when your around anthony. What do you guess, like Sunday, DEVON is all snotty and eyes watering, and everything gross. So of course he comes up to me, touching me with his grubby little hands, and sneezing and coughing on me. Sigh, so guess what happened, yep folks, thats right. I woke up all sneezy and nose running, and eyes watery, and can hardly breathe.
Sigh.
and Brent was gone all weekend, so of course I kiss him (closed mouth in case your wondering), but the kids are all sneezing all over him and etc. etc., and today at lunch he comes home and just lays on the couch.
crap.
I hate sick kids with grubby little hands. I seriously think of the lysol commercial where they show like green viruses crawling all over the little girls hands, and she touches the phone, and then her big brother picks up the phone and its all over the house. blah. germs. I just want to spray lysol all over the house..........hey.......thats actually not a bad idea.........I will be back! hehehehe

McDonalds Iced Coffee...and work

ok...so I am having an affair.......with McDonalds Iced Coffee. Seriously. I am so addicted. It tastes so good. It makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. And it gets my endorphines and seratonin going. yummy yummy. AND to top it all off.....I found a way to make it at home. FOR FREE! ahhhhhhh I am in love.

I am loving my part time job......I love the hours. I love the extra money. But man being away from my boys for that long of a time. I mean one shift is 13 hours long. Granted, it's over night. The boys are sleeping. But I am not there when they are put to bed. I am not there when they get up.....unless Devon sleeps in. It is so bittersweet. I am so excited and want to work my ASS off so we can get a new house by summer......actually I am even hoping by spring. Also, there is so much I want for my boys that only money can get. I have to help get that for them.
sigh......the life of a mother.

long time....

It has been a long time since I have posted. But it is not for lack of time or because I don't know what to write about. I do. It is just that sometimes the stuff I want to write about, is a little bit more personal, that I don't really want the world to share/hear. It is not a bad deal. But it does suck. Now I know everyone is dying to know. Sorry. I also hate it when bloggers do the same to me. There is just some things that need to be personal, and worked out at home.
But no worries. Everything will be fine!

But on the bright side, we are going camping tomorrow night! I work overnight tonight, so that leaves Brent in charge of packing. Which makes me nervous...I cant lie. But I am sure he will do great. I am trying to pack the major things and leave him just the food items. No doubt I will be tired and crabby tomorrow, but at least I cant be tired and crabby by the lake! woohoo!! gotta love that. I will update on that later. have a good weekend ya' all!

A post for my sister....

So my sister said to me today that I have been not nice to my husband on here lately. She even said that people are going to start thinking we are going to get a divorce...like my one cousin....but moving on off of that tangent!!!
I am very much in love with my husband. As yes, while it does seem like I complain about his short comings...a lot....it's because this is like a stress reliever for me. I go on here, type my tangents, about God knows what, and then I feel tons better. I dont have that built up "upsetness". I blew it off on here, and then when my husband does come home, I already blew off my steam, and I so excited and happy to see him, and not having to rag on him for what he didn't (or did!) do. So yes, I complain, but I love the things he does also very much.
I love how is always putting our family first, always.
He works his BUTT off for our family. I dont know a lot of people who work full time, part time, go to school for his master in managment (and getting a 3.6 I might add...), donates plasma, participates in sports, and then to be a good husband, dad, and friend. He goes out with co workers, he puts his boys to bed, he plays hockey with his son, he goes to movies with his gorgous, and oh so beautiful wife, he calls his side of the family daily, he attends family functions.....I could go on and on and on. I don't know how he juggles his life. I have to say I am spoiled. I pretty much say what I want, and Brent busts his ass for it. I said I wanted kids, he went to every single doctor appointment in Fargo with me. I said I wanted a house, he worked overtime to get us a down payment. I said I want to move to a bigger house, he is juggling our finances, picking up extra shifts, finishing up our projects on this house, and looking at houses already. Just for me. Just for us. He loves my family. He thinks they are a little kooky... (haha, I had to add that in there), but he is always going to Thief River with me for family events. Heck, he is willing to give up his blackberry for me. He even said that I need a phone like that because he doesnt and wouldnt use it (dont worry folks, I am not letting him). In short, my husband is worth more than I can say. And yes, I complain a lot. But, if you know brent, you all know he is a little disorganized and likes to leave things lay. But hey, I know he complains that I am a neat freak and needs to have everything put away, and it drives him nuts. haha. Thats a thought, Brent should have a blog, then you guys would REALLY get the full picture of our life. haha.
ok that is all I will say, or I will loose all my faithful readers to my cheese.
Hope your satisfied sister. We are as close to a divorce as maybe.....we are to the end of the Earth ;)

You want cheese with that whine? No...chocolate!

Whine, whine, whine...with some wine. I know I do that a lot. I started a new job. Pracs. Oh lovely pracs. I actually have to work now, and that makes me sad. No more just staying at home all the time. grr. I hate working. I hate going to work. I hate being the new girl at work who knows NOTHING. Whats worse, is that being the new girl who's husband has been there 6 years, and actually DOES know everything. Cause then I worry, what are people going to look at me as? Someone who also knows everything....or if I make a mistake...is it like oh that wife of Brent. grr on her. Oh I hate being trained. And the orientation that I need to do today. Like watch videos on stupid stuff and learn stupid things. ugh. I also super de duper hate working. ahhhhhhhhh. sigh. sniffle. cry. Well, I guess on the plus side, this means we can move sooner into a different house (YEAH! no more crappy water pressure), but then that means we need to finish our house projects and I need to pack the ENTIRE house. Because god knows when we bough this house, I packed and UNPACKED every single dang thing that was moved. Thats right folks. Brent didn't help an inch. But I guess he did move it all....so maybe that counts for something..........
And man, there is a lot to pack now!!! 3 levels worth and a garage worth of SHIT. ohhhhhhh. I hate packing. Maybe I will hire my sister to come and pack for me. She is always good like that.
Sometimes I feel realy bad because I am always after Devon for whining and pouting, and telling him to stop it, or a bird will poop on his lip. And here I sit, while he watches Veggie Tales, whining about everything. And now I am whining about my whining. Oh lord. help me now.
sigh..... ah well. At least I get to wear super cute scrubs when I work now! woohoo!
I need chocolate.

Slacker with a Blackberry Pearl

Ok yes, that's me. I am a big slacker. So sorry. But I honestly feel like I have no time in the day!
But um...big updates on us....Brent turns 26 tomorrow. Yeah! Which honestly is scary because that means my ever dooming 25th birthday is right around the corner! eeek! But ok, here is my one rant
For Brents birthday, I wanted to make sure I got him a really good gift. So I asked him what he wanted. I asked specifically. And I finally came up with the idea of a phone. So I asked him. Brent what kind of a phone would you want if you got a phone for your birthday. He said Blackberry Pearl. So I went to Alltell and got him a blackberry pearl. Well as soon as he seen it, he started biting his nails and his skin. I could tell the anxiety was over coming him. Then he asked me how much it was. I told him. And he like turned pale. And he realy starting chewing on his hands. So needless to say, and to withhold all of our "discussion", he wants to return it today. I am so mad because Brent always sacrifices for us, and he ALWAYS gets the cheap ass phones so I could get the phone I want. So I really wanted to do this for him. AND to top it all off, it wasnt even his turn to get a new phone!!! According to our contract, I was the one to get the new phone! so I got the phone and put it in his number!!!!! Gosh I am a good wife, and yet he is still returning the Blackberry pearl. Sigh.

Adoption Meeting

Tonight we had an adoption meeting for Devon. It is so nice to have something like "final". Granted, there is so much about this that is not final. Like I would like a set date of the finalization. Right now its like July or August or September (I know...such a broad range..). Then we can change his name and get him baptized. Ideally we would love to baptize him during the week of court because then all the family from Dickinson and elsewhere can come up and stay up. But whatever. Again, rollercoasters. At least this is a "high" on it. But it's all this uncertainty. Ah well. We are adopting our big boy!!!

oh the life of a mother

I am tired. I am very tired and my back freaking kills. Like seriously. And I cant make an appointment because drop in child care cant take kids under 12 months, and hello! Anthony is 6 months. Brent could take a long lunch and take the boys, but he hasnt really given me a definant date. Stupid Chiropractors! They know how to use me. Grrr. I bet him and my back have this like deal going on. Oh Amy hasnt been in to see me in a few months. *cRiNk* Lets go in!!
grrrrr.
On the positive side.....I got a bunch of my flowers planted and my rock laid down in the front for my planting bed or whatever its called!! Woohoo!! Go me! Miss Green Thumb!!! Oh, and a side note, the flowers I planted, I ordered 1/4 of them from freeplants.com, the other chunk I got as bulbs, and now they are blossomed Hostas, and the other chunk......well....thanks Menards! hahaha. Come check out our house! The grass is mowed and everything! woohoo!
now to ice my back...........

Doing what a mom does

So the worst thing ever in my mommy history happened last night.
Anthony rolled out of his stroller. I know. Terrible. But to not point the blame on me...it was brents fault. Ok heres the story,Devon and I were outside and we were attempting (very badly, I might add), to add rock by our patio stones where we drive in. So Anthony was in his car seat all day long, so I just strapped him in the stroller really nice and tight. He was enjoying it. Brent comes home and plays with him, and yells at me for doing the project all wrong. Well he goes inside to change to "help" (read into this, make me feel like crap and critize all the work I did, and I only started it as a surprise to him to have it all done!! grrr). Well I am trying to move around the sand when I hear this noise. I am not even sure what it was, but I looked and see Anthony on the ground. I am like what the heck?!?!?!?!?!? I run over (he was like 10 ft behind me), and he starts crying. I look at his stroller thinking NO WAY could he have rolled out of it! Its a 5 point harness!!! It was unstrapped. Then I got mad. I got really mad. I am trying to comfort my baby, and I was going to storm in the house yelling at brent, but realized, maybe Devon un did it! But then rethought that. The kid cant even open the door when we want him to, let alone a 5 point harness. I run upstairs with my crying baby in my arms and ask brent did you undo the stroller? He goes yah! He cant roll out. Its like a play pen! I go WHAT!? HE ROLLED OUT!!! So yah. Brent learned a very important lesson of why I always strap our rolly polly kiddo into everything now. But, I guess it wont be the last time Anthony will fall. Both literally and metaphorically. I will just do what I can do best, be a mom, and pick him up everytime.

Oh the rollercoaster never ends.....

Ok beware, opinionated post...
So as most of my readers know, Brent and I struggled through infertility since the day we were married. It was a flippin rollercoaster. We went to thinking, oh next month, oh my gosh I could be!! Then oh shit. Start over again. Every single month for about 3 years we did this. A lot of people in the world go through a lot more years than that, but having kids is something I have wanted since I found out women could carry bellies in their bellies. Even then, I didnt know how they got there, just the fact I wanted a baby in my belly and I was going to be a mom. With or without a husband. Anyway, so this was a very big deal for me, and us. Brent was a lot more layed back, but it still was crazy for him. Then it even would get crazier because then I would be on more medication to help get pregnant. Then the procedures. It even got to the point where I was thinking, if this cycle didnt work I would die. I loathed other pregnant people. I looked at them and wished them death. I would hear about a pregnancy, and say oh. I hope they miscarry or say some other God aweful thing. I should be in hell by now because of all my thoughts and outbursts. It even came to a point where our marriage was in Jeopardy. But gosh, that rollecoaster. Every month. Every cycle. Every procedure.
Fost care was my "medicine" to fix that. I was feling sick; literally, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and, hell, financially! I thought in foster care that I would get a kid, and be happier than day lights and have no issues. With Devon we actually got REALLY lucky. We didnt wait long. And because of his case, he was already up for adoption, so there were no downs with him, that I knew of. But then came the downers of attachment. This kid was 3 years old. Remembered his past, remembered his old home, and still talked about it. He wasn't running to me open armed screaming mommy. When we would go places, he would latch on to any stranger because he didn't know differently. He wouldnt ever come back to mommy and daddy. He was my little "mommys boy" that I had been dreaming and praying for. Finally things are coming around. Ironically, I think I was unattached too at the beginning. I love this kid more than anything, but it really hadnt sinked in that he was MY kid until just not that long ago. i am so proud of his leaps and bounds he has made, its amazing. I am so in love with my kid. Now it honestly feels like we have had him since the day he grew in my belly.
Now with Anthony, it's such a high to have a baby. We are his parents that he will remember we are his everything. He is so dependant on us. I couldnt be happier. But then because it is foster care, certain things and certain people can keep trying to fight for him back. Our social worker says there is little chance of it happening, but again....it's not 100%. I am on a damn rollercoaster again!!! One day I get an update and I am freaking out, the next, I am elated because it keeps ensuring I can keep my son. Talking with the boy's social worker, it basically like, I need to sit back and let the peoplewhogavebirthandprovidedtheirspemsampletomyson keep making their mistakes. And while I dont want to get too much into it, but I feel horrible everyday wishing that they would just give up on their son and let him be ours, or keeping making their mistakes. Their misery is my happiness. Is that right? At this point, it's almost like I dont care. I have my family now. Thank you people who messed up. It is a horrible thing to admit. But that is how foster care works. Now yes, I know some people clean up and get their kids back. That is awesome. Good for them! I wish they all could do that.....but I dont either. I know 2 really good friends who have struggled through infertility for many many years. And they have the cutest kids ever. Thanks to other people. They are so happy, and they have their family.
What is my plan for the future you may ask? After anthony's adoption is done....we are out. We are out of the system. As much as I love getting my boys, and I really really want a big family. This rollercoaster is so trying on us. It sucks. We will never give up biologically having kids. We have 3 babies on ice now, so one day we will transfer those. We also are looking into the creighton method. Hopefully they can "cure" me.
But until the day when I am finally done having kids, a rollercoaster we/I ride. And I shall stay on. And then I will be on a different one because my kids are going to drive me bonkers and crazy and all over the place!Lord, save me now!!!

Vacation...cont.....

Ok, so I got crap from my mother and my father...yes...they did help me A LOT! My dad did carry my two boys around a lot at the zoo and elsewhere. And he did an amazing job keeping Devon distracted and happy and pushing my seriously heavy stroller that everyone decided to dump their junk on because it WAS a double stroller around. Mom also helped with general helping out and watching my boys with dad while we all galavanted like kiddies at Nickelodeon Universe. hehe. Thank you thank you. I am forever indebted to you!!!

Ok now where did I leave off?? Who knows. Who cares. Anyway, it went amazingly. It's all I have to say. It was a lot of fun. I already cant wait for next year....hopefully I wont have another child thrown into the mix though!!! haha.

We survived!!!

Woohoo! Here we are at home again! Sadly, back to reality.
Vacation went amazingly well. It was so much fun. We went to the Zoo, the Mall of America, and did all its wonders (underwater world, Nickelodeon Universe, and of course shopping), Science Museum, and hung out at the hotel. Devon just loved everything. We took him to Build a Bear, where I think mom had a little bit more fun that devon did! haha. I was way too excited. He was just utterly amazed with everything at the Underwater World. It was so neat to see him so excited. I was very proud and tired by pushing my double stroller around everywhere. Brent had to stay at work for 2 of the 4 days for some work related issue, so here I was, lugging around 2 kids with my double stroller, trying to do it all by myself. Actually, my family was such a huge help...thanks Auntie Alison......but yah, I tried to do it mostly by myself. I loved it. It was hard, and I was glad Brent showed up on Thursday finally.
oh! Speaing of auntie.....guess who just walked into my house with ice cream!!!! Be back later to about the rest of vacation!!

Crazy...or just plain nuts

Um that pretty much sums us up as a family in a whole. Man are we nuts. And really....in no particular reason. We are nuts for getting children the way we got them. By putting up with what we do, with living on eggshsells. But what can we say, God gave us these two beautiful babies for a reason. We went through hell and back trying to concieve our own, and then these two miracles, literally, fell on our laps. We were shocked. We were unprepared. We are their parents. We love them very much. I guess we have to keep following in Gods plan for us.....whatever that may be.....sigh...hehe.

Now for the really insane nuts. We are leaving for dickinson friday after Brent is done with work. Then we are returning prompptly on Sunday morning, to pack buy groceries, run all over town doing errands, and dropping the dogs off at daycare to leave for the Cities at 5 o clock in the morning. Oh and by we....I mean me......I am the one who will pack and do errands and go nuts and be a crab trying to get the house a decent clean and out the door friday night AND tuesday morning.
sigh

Ahhh...he's learning!!

So yesterday I got this terrible allergy/flu/head cold thing going on. I mean I got the chills, my head was super stuffy, I felt like I was going to puke, I can't breathe through my nose. I seriously wanted to skip the last day of school, but meaning that it was the last day of school and we were going on a field trip, I figured that was out of the question. So all day I froze my BUTT of watching the kids play baseball trying to hold down my stomach praying for 3:20 to hit. Finally it did, and I CRASHED on the couch. Thank God my sister is an angel and watched my two boys while I moaned in pain and literally passed out on the couch. But Devon was so cute because he kept going...it's ok mommy. I am here, and he was stroking my face. Then he would pull the blanket way to my face and kind of hide my eyes from the light. Then he rubbed my back, the best he could and kept saying over and over, it's ok mommy, I am here. Shhhhhhh. I am here. It's ok. If I could, I seriously would have cried and hugged him so incredibly hard. It was the cutest thing ever. Then he kept telling me I needed to drink water and to take a rest and then mommy will feel all better. ahhhhhh. My little cupcake. For all those people who tell me my little muffin is behind...........beat that!!
To no avail I still feel like my head is going to burst today and I can't hear myself think, talk, breathe, or even function. sigh. Well off to try more medicine. I am digging deep and hard into my medicine cabinet now!!! Motherhood just cannot take a sick day!

Fisher Price has my money..and apparently everyone else's

So my mom gave us this jumper for anthony. It is a Fisher Price Rainforest themed jumper. Well when we went to go buy the highchair, I happened to see the Fisher Price Rainforest High Chair. Cool. We got it. Then I was looking around, and I noticed there is a playpen, a bathtub, a tummy time play mat, a toddler booster seat and a rearview car seat mirror, among other things. I went cRaZy! I wanted it ALL! So I managed to snag majority of it, like a bouncy chair, the high chair, the jumper from my mom, the tummy time play mat (which I ordered last night weehoo!), but the play pen I want oh so badly. I even threw a fit to Brent stating how bad I want this play pen. Finally we look all over Grand Forks, all sold out. I send my sister looking all around Fargo, all sold out. My mom around TRF, all completly sold out. Fine. I go online and I will order it from online....ALL SOLD OUT! WHAT THE HELL!!! Who else wants my Fisher Price Rainforest Play Pen!! It's mine! Needless to say, while I was hyperventilating about not getting my Fisher Price Rainforest Play Pen, I managed to find it at Burlington Coat Factory. I have to pay an extra 40 bucks to just get it here. grrrrr. Awe well! At least I will have my Fisher Price Rainforest themed baby collection complete! Now if only I can get that bathtub...........

Solids, Garage Sales,...Vacation! Oh my....

My little man started solids today! Woohoo for sweet potatoes. He took them really good. He also slept through the night for the seond night in a row, but only for me to keep waking up every hour to ensure my little man was still breathing!
Today we got up early to garage saleing. We got some neato things, but only after a couple of hours, I got bored of looking to try and buy other people's crap and having the urge to go to WalMart. Blast mom and dad for always spoiling me and now making me want nothing but "the best".
I just realzed today that there are only 2 more weeks until vacation. Our big family vacation. Which includes my mom, my dad, my sister, my brother, his wife, their 1 1/2 month old son, me, brent, and my two boys.....ALL IN ONE HOTEL SUITE! ahhh. We are going to die by killing eachother. I am sure it will be fine, but yikes! I am a little nervous. Thank goodness for the pool and hot tub! (not to mention happy hour! weehoo).
Im off to Wally World, yet again, because I also realized today that my kiddos crib mobile batteries' are dead! And when I have to wake up several times and just to push the little remote control for it to work again and for Anthony to fall right back asleep...there is no way I am going a night without it!!!

Also thanks everyone for their wonderful thoughts and comments!! I (we) truly appreciate it!! It feels good to have a family!!!

Holy Insta-Family

So ok, all day thursday and friday, I was thinking of a new post to talk about, and I was going to talk about attachment with our 3 year old. Since we got him at age 3, I have always been worried about attachment with him, because he has been "tossed" around so much, and he still is not getting the point to come to us when he is hurt/happy/sad/sick/ whatever. He tries to do it himself, or he goes to the nearest person. Drives me nuts.....but I could go forever into that (which I eventually will), but I wanted to announce our latest news! On friday I was teaching, and I get a phone call literally asking me if I wanted a 5 month old that was sleeping in our social workers office. I called Brent (he was gone for 2 weeks due to annual training for the guard), and he said sure ok (not in that exact words, but he did say yes), and so I ran to Walmart grabbed anything I could of real quick (car seat, forumla, bottles, diapers, wipes, some clothes), and then I ran and picked up our Anthony. Then I ran and picked up Devon, got the dogs, got everything thrown in the van, and headed to Grandma and Grandpas! Whew. Our life since anthony is great. I am tired, exhausted, and look like poop with baby spit up all over me. But I am so happy I could cry. I do sometimes. This is exactly what I wanted, and I am SO happy. You could not burst my bubble I am so happy.....now only if school would end faster so I could stay home with my two sweet boys!! :)

Credit...

Ok I have to place credit for the picture I have on my blog. I would never have seen it if it wasn't for my oh so long distant friend across the pond, Lisa, who has a picture from the same artist. Well I checked out where she gave her credit to, and wow! I fell in love with this one. So thank you Lisa and thank you Ting Shao Kuan.
Now for real, check out the rest of the pictures. They are amazing!
http://www.nymuseum.com/art/ting/

First Timer...Round 2??

Ok so last time I said that I am going to post and I am going to be a blogger, but man! Everytime I get up to post and to blog, it's like I never have the time! But I have become a RAVID fan of reading other peoples post on their blog (holla when you get one! I will start stalking you!), and I just read this amazing post from my dear friends Lisa sisters, Janet, blog (I know, a bit of a stalker!)that no matter how busy she is, blogging makes her feel great and to get out all the frustrations of the day and what it all may have held. Even if I dont write everyday, but if I try to get a couple of posts a week in or something, that would mean a lot. Not only to my friends, to my family, and to ME! Seriously, cause this is AMY show. Everything needs to revolve around me anyway! ha! And seriously, I have begun to think that I am starting to go crazy. Not like crazy, but like crazy crazy. I know, I know, I just need to chill a bit. But yah. Alright, I am off to make my blog cool super cool (or at least try!!)

First Timer

Oh my gosh! I can't believe I am blogging. I have to say thanks to all the wonderful bloggers out there (baggage, museandthemoon) who got me started! Be prepared about the things I will say on and off again. But mainly this is for you to get a glimpse of my life for those who are not fortunate....or who are lucky ....to spend every day with me :)