Is the song I am listening to right now. From Coldplay.
I am literally in school, and I am partially closing my eyes and just imagining what paradise would look like. What would my life look like if it were a paradise. How would I be happy. What would happy even look like? How would I carry on my everyday. Is paradise sitting and doing nothing? Is paradise going to work and doing everyday activities? What is paradise? What would mine look like? I want to get there so bad. The problem is, I dont even know what it looks like.
I keep saying I am on my end. On my last and final straw with so many things. But everyday it changes and I always find one more smile to keep me going. One more friend that says she loves me. One more hug, or kiss. One more cheer or chant that keeps me there.
So do I put up with the bad just to enjoy the few great moments in between? And I mean this in more than one situation. I am...I just dont know. I just dont.
On a very high and positive note, I just love my kiddos. There just isnt words. really.
so I have surgery on the 5th to go in and get rid of junk in my uterus and all that dandy stuff. My ovaries are twice the normal size for ovaries to be. Which is not good. They can start turning on themselves and all that stupid stuff. There were a lot of follicles and cysts and stupid stuff. not fun. But I am hopeful that it will solve a lot of issues that I am having and hopefully, yah.
ah time crunched again. bah
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
just when the limit is almost reached
somehow God always gives us endurance to go more
So I went to the Dr last week, and for sure my uterus is enlarged and boggy. Yes someone actually said I had a boggy uterus. Tomorrow I will go in for an ultrasound because obviously something is wrong. Of course they get you all excited for a matter of 12 seconds by asking the "can you possibly be pregnant question". I said No, but for that 12 seconds, my mind ran. I was like Oh my gosh! This is it. the moment where they are like well here is your problem! You are pregnant!!! And I will be like WHAT! No way! And they are like YES!!!.
Well so they made me take a test, and even by that time (like I said, it literally lasted 12 seconds) I knew it couldnt be true. I wasn't right with my "cycle". I knew I was no where near ovulating or anything like that. So Of course they were like, ugh I am sorry its negative. and I literally said Surprise Surprise.
Well anyway, so tomorrow is big day. We will find out more then. I am just grateful that they found something.
We had cheerleading competition this weekend. We got 5th, and man am I happy. We placed, which is a huge deal. We havent placed in such a long time. I am so happy. ESPECIALLY since we had to change our entire routine around at 10pm the night before. Literally. So for us to place 5th when we changed the routine 12 hours before. That shows you something. But not everyone will know that. And thats ok. I am so proud of my girls, and of course they are already talking about winter, which I will take them for the stunt off, jump off, and all around cheerleader competition. Then it is so relaxed and carefree and we just get to watch teams and just have a fun time. I am pretty excited about that. What can I say, I do love cheerleading. It just sucks that it takes SO much of my time. Brent is giving me a constant guilt trip, and I know I dont earn much from it, but good gravy, I do love it. Thank gosh for the winter we worked out a 2 day a week practice with a work out day. SO hopefully that will fix my problems with finding time to work out because it will be wednesdays and then Fridays at home hopefully. I still wish I could sneak one day in there, but we will have games at least once a week so I can sneak a workout before the cheer game.
Life is just so weird because as soon as I think I have things figured out, I dont. Something always changes it. One minute I am happy, the next I am so besides myself, I just cant figure anything out.
How do you look past something in somebody when it bugs you to beyond your core? How do you continually forgive someone day after day. How do you constantly see their faults, but only to turn your cheek and say that's alright I still love you. I am at that point, where I just dont want to keep on doing it over and over again. But then what's the alternative? What is more choice? Be miserable and not alone or be miserable because I am lonely? Does life always have to be what I want and need it to be? What makes something just ok and just easy to deal with? How do I get there??
So I went to the Dr last week, and for sure my uterus is enlarged and boggy. Yes someone actually said I had a boggy uterus. Tomorrow I will go in for an ultrasound because obviously something is wrong. Of course they get you all excited for a matter of 12 seconds by asking the "can you possibly be pregnant question". I said No, but for that 12 seconds, my mind ran. I was like Oh my gosh! This is it. the moment where they are like well here is your problem! You are pregnant!!! And I will be like WHAT! No way! And they are like YES!!!.
Well so they made me take a test, and even by that time (like I said, it literally lasted 12 seconds) I knew it couldnt be true. I wasn't right with my "cycle". I knew I was no where near ovulating or anything like that. So Of course they were like, ugh I am sorry its negative. and I literally said Surprise Surprise.
Well anyway, so tomorrow is big day. We will find out more then. I am just grateful that they found something.
We had cheerleading competition this weekend. We got 5th, and man am I happy. We placed, which is a huge deal. We havent placed in such a long time. I am so happy. ESPECIALLY since we had to change our entire routine around at 10pm the night before. Literally. So for us to place 5th when we changed the routine 12 hours before. That shows you something. But not everyone will know that. And thats ok. I am so proud of my girls, and of course they are already talking about winter, which I will take them for the stunt off, jump off, and all around cheerleader competition. Then it is so relaxed and carefree and we just get to watch teams and just have a fun time. I am pretty excited about that. What can I say, I do love cheerleading. It just sucks that it takes SO much of my time. Brent is giving me a constant guilt trip, and I know I dont earn much from it, but good gravy, I do love it. Thank gosh for the winter we worked out a 2 day a week practice with a work out day. SO hopefully that will fix my problems with finding time to work out because it will be wednesdays and then Fridays at home hopefully. I still wish I could sneak one day in there, but we will have games at least once a week so I can sneak a workout before the cheer game.
Life is just so weird because as soon as I think I have things figured out, I dont. Something always changes it. One minute I am happy, the next I am so besides myself, I just cant figure anything out.
How do you look past something in somebody when it bugs you to beyond your core? How do you continually forgive someone day after day. How do you constantly see their faults, but only to turn your cheek and say that's alright I still love you. I am at that point, where I just dont want to keep on doing it over and over again. But then what's the alternative? What is more choice? Be miserable and not alone or be miserable because I am lonely? Does life always have to be what I want and need it to be? What makes something just ok and just easy to deal with? How do I get there??
Monday, November 7, 2011
overrun
Right now, just right now in this second in time, I am so exhausted. I am not trying to make this a poor me post, honestly I am not. I am still just struggling with time. Z has become so clingy, and I dont know if it is because I am not home or something, but I love it that literally she wants to do it cling and cuddle and be loved. I hate being gone late.
Cheerleading has started again, and I am trying to be a great coach and try to actually think of a great schedule for cheerleading practice so that we will be somewhat of a comparison of other teams in our area. Tonight, I am not going to be home until late. I have cheer until 6, and then I need to get my nails filled. Yes that is more a vain thing, but it is literally the only thing I do to make me feel good anymore. I do not even work out anymore because Brent gives me a guilt trip, or I am just so honestly so tired at night, that I cant. So I wont get home around 7, well that is Zs bed time, and an hour later is the boys.
Tomorrow our social worker is coming out to relicense us. Thank goodness we dont have school friday, but Brent and the kids are leaving for the weekend to hunt, and that makes me so sad. I hate cheer competition on saturday. Which makes me sad. But I love competition.
I think the original plan was to drive down with the girls on the bus and then spend the night in the hotel. But I am going to try and and just drive there on saturday, then I can leave right after competition and then maybe do a little shopping or something. Who knows. At least just get home earlier than what the girls would.
Tomorrow I have my appointment with the lady dr. We will see how it goes. bah. I am nervous but in a way I am like whatever. Its not like I will get answers tomorrow anyway. They will just run tests or something stupid like that. lame sauce.
Then next weekend is my family thanksgiving at our house which will be fun and exciting. Then its real thanksgiving with brents family. Hockey starts taking over the weekdays as soon as it freezes.
ugh time to go to cheer already. sigh.
Cheerleading has started again, and I am trying to be a great coach and try to actually think of a great schedule for cheerleading practice so that we will be somewhat of a comparison of other teams in our area. Tonight, I am not going to be home until late. I have cheer until 6, and then I need to get my nails filled. Yes that is more a vain thing, but it is literally the only thing I do to make me feel good anymore. I do not even work out anymore because Brent gives me a guilt trip, or I am just so honestly so tired at night, that I cant. So I wont get home around 7, well that is Zs bed time, and an hour later is the boys.
Tomorrow our social worker is coming out to relicense us. Thank goodness we dont have school friday, but Brent and the kids are leaving for the weekend to hunt, and that makes me so sad. I hate cheer competition on saturday. Which makes me sad. But I love competition.
I think the original plan was to drive down with the girls on the bus and then spend the night in the hotel. But I am going to try and and just drive there on saturday, then I can leave right after competition and then maybe do a little shopping or something. Who knows. At least just get home earlier than what the girls would.
Tomorrow I have my appointment with the lady dr. We will see how it goes. bah. I am nervous but in a way I am like whatever. Its not like I will get answers tomorrow anyway. They will just run tests or something stupid like that. lame sauce.
Then next weekend is my family thanksgiving at our house which will be fun and exciting. Then its real thanksgiving with brents family. Hockey starts taking over the weekdays as soon as it freezes.
ugh time to go to cheer already. sigh.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
wow!
So two posts right after each other.
Today....during school, our janitor/bus driver fell, and passed away. It is just almost too much to take in. I just cant handle it. Our school has gone through so much. with loosing two students last year, a student this year.
I dont even know much more to write.
I had our team meeting for Z today. It went awesome. I know Z was so meant for us. The judge is taking away dads rights end of November. That never happens we were told today. Well, I mean it happens. But not like this. Usually the judge makes us do this and that in court and follow this step and fill out this paper. But he ruled from the bench that they were advertising it, and done. November 28th. Done.
While there I ran into Anthonys old social worker. She said that Anthonys bm was there. She didnt say much. She admitted to distress and that she is going to jail for 4 months soon. It just....stresses me out. seriously. Here is a situation I dont want to be part of but I feel like God is putting me there. I mean she was there the EXACT same time I was. Weird.
Also again I am still thinking about cheerleading and what I should do. I love it. I hate that I have no time.
Today....during school, our janitor/bus driver fell, and passed away. It is just almost too much to take in. I just cant handle it. Our school has gone through so much. with loosing two students last year, a student this year.
I dont even know much more to write.
I had our team meeting for Z today. It went awesome. I know Z was so meant for us. The judge is taking away dads rights end of November. That never happens we were told today. Well, I mean it happens. But not like this. Usually the judge makes us do this and that in court and follow this step and fill out this paper. But he ruled from the bench that they were advertising it, and done. November 28th. Done.
While there I ran into Anthonys old social worker. She said that Anthonys bm was there. She didnt say much. She admitted to distress and that she is going to jail for 4 months soon. It just....stresses me out. seriously. Here is a situation I dont want to be part of but I feel like God is putting me there. I mean she was there the EXACT same time I was. Weird.
Also again I am still thinking about cheerleading and what I should do. I love it. I hate that I have no time.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
overwhelmed
with life. bah. I havent posted in over a month. Holy crap. That just blows my mind. lets see...what is going on. I am just frustrated with a lot of things right now. Feel free to read my post on my life:
1. I am sick of lady town. I honestly am. I wish I could send it to hell. Granted I cant because I am 28 years old. Noone is going to support a hysterectomy. I hate it. I bleed constantly. Sex is not enjoyable at all. I mean it is, but it hurts. Constantly. I never have a period, and when I finally do, I like bleed so heavily I am changing clothes every hour because I am soaking through jeans and pads and underwear and tampons and the whole bit. Its that bad. So I avoided an appointment for quite some time, but I figured this last time I better. But at Altru I couldnt get in until february. Ok.....I will just bleed to death them. Thats ok. So I made another appointment for NVOBGYN and then today, when my appointment was supposed to be, some lady went into labor, and I had to cancel my appoinment. But on the 8th again it is scheduled. ugh.
2. baby momma drama. Ugh. Anthonys birth-mom had the baby. Which I am fine. Truly. But when we visited, Anthony was so confused and wanted to take the baby home and he just didnt understand I feel bad, and just listening to her talking about how she is taking care of the baby....well....I mean I cant judge, but oh god. Seriously. She had a walmart bag for the diaper bag. She doesnt have a car and she sleeps with the baby on the couch at her sisters house.......not the best environment. I dont know. Whatever. Then Zs bmom is being all crazy drama. Seriously. Its horrible. Texting me/Calling me rude horrible things and writing things on facebook and its just rediculous. She needs to clue in.
3. LIfe is busy. LIke again, I am still contemplating where I can reorganize my life. I dont know. I feel like I need to spend more time with my kids and family
4. I am seriously wondering if Anthony has like ADHD or something serious like that and I need to do something about it. The adoption worker said something about it, and I am seeing it more and more as each day passes. I am like.....I DONT want him on meds or anything but I want him to listen in school, and to me, and I dont want him to be on 3's every day and on timeout. he is lucky this year because his teacher thinks he is cute and loves him as much (well almost as much) as I do. I dont want him to struggle because a teacher hates his impulsiveness.
5. I cannot believe my babies are getting so big. Zaylee is one. Devon is 7. Anthony will be 4 soon. I seriously I am in such shock. It makes me sad. I cant believe it. I want my babies to be babies. Makes me wonder if I will ever get rid of my baby fever. I have to say I am not as baby fever as I was before ZAylee. I am just more sad. Honestly. I am sad she isnt baby anymore. Its not like I have that yearning for a baby again. Which is good! haha. I love my kids. I am not a baby collector, so I dont want 100 kids, but I do want a lot. I want a big family. haha. I dont know. Just something about it. I want them close to me. I hear about older people talking about their kids living in new york and whatever, and if my kids leave North Dakota/Minnesota area....I will die. like I.Will.Die. But we sent in our paperwork for foster care again. I just hate that rollercoaster, and I dont want to deal with that again. I really dont. I am so over it. I am almost hoping that I dont have to deal with it again. Ya know?
I am off to google search ADHD in kids and bleedy ladytown issues. haha
1. I am sick of lady town. I honestly am. I wish I could send it to hell. Granted I cant because I am 28 years old. Noone is going to support a hysterectomy. I hate it. I bleed constantly. Sex is not enjoyable at all. I mean it is, but it hurts. Constantly. I never have a period, and when I finally do, I like bleed so heavily I am changing clothes every hour because I am soaking through jeans and pads and underwear and tampons and the whole bit. Its that bad. So I avoided an appointment for quite some time, but I figured this last time I better. But at Altru I couldnt get in until february. Ok.....I will just bleed to death them. Thats ok. So I made another appointment for NVOBGYN and then today, when my appointment was supposed to be, some lady went into labor, and I had to cancel my appoinment. But on the 8th again it is scheduled. ugh.
2. baby momma drama. Ugh. Anthonys birth-mom had the baby. Which I am fine. Truly. But when we visited, Anthony was so confused and wanted to take the baby home and he just didnt understand I feel bad, and just listening to her talking about how she is taking care of the baby....well....I mean I cant judge, but oh god. Seriously. She had a walmart bag for the diaper bag. She doesnt have a car and she sleeps with the baby on the couch at her sisters house.......not the best environment. I dont know. Whatever. Then Zs bmom is being all crazy drama. Seriously. Its horrible. Texting me/Calling me rude horrible things and writing things on facebook and its just rediculous. She needs to clue in.
3. LIfe is busy. LIke again, I am still contemplating where I can reorganize my life. I dont know. I feel like I need to spend more time with my kids and family
4. I am seriously wondering if Anthony has like ADHD or something serious like that and I need to do something about it. The adoption worker said something about it, and I am seeing it more and more as each day passes. I am like.....I DONT want him on meds or anything but I want him to listen in school, and to me, and I dont want him to be on 3's every day and on timeout. he is lucky this year because his teacher thinks he is cute and loves him as much (well almost as much) as I do. I dont want him to struggle because a teacher hates his impulsiveness.
5. I cannot believe my babies are getting so big. Zaylee is one. Devon is 7. Anthony will be 4 soon. I seriously I am in such shock. It makes me sad. I cant believe it. I want my babies to be babies. Makes me wonder if I will ever get rid of my baby fever. I have to say I am not as baby fever as I was before ZAylee. I am just more sad. Honestly. I am sad she isnt baby anymore. Its not like I have that yearning for a baby again. Which is good! haha. I love my kids. I am not a baby collector, so I dont want 100 kids, but I do want a lot. I want a big family. haha. I dont know. Just something about it. I want them close to me. I hear about older people talking about their kids living in new york and whatever, and if my kids leave North Dakota/Minnesota area....I will die. like I.Will.Die. But we sent in our paperwork for foster care again. I just hate that rollercoaster, and I dont want to deal with that again. I really dont. I am so over it. I am almost hoping that I dont have to deal with it again. Ya know?
I am off to google search ADHD in kids and bleedy ladytown issues. haha
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