MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tis the reason for the season!!!!!!!

December 24th...1 more day!!!

oh christmas tree oh christmas tree!!! What a day!! Man I just love life. This was truly a great christmas....even though we went snowmobiling right away this morning, and we had quite a few incidents....first alison got the big two up snomobile stuck in the ditch (we were on our way onto the snowmobile trail), then alison flipped the two up into a ditch later on(did I mention that I was ON the two up?!?!?! with her?!?!?!) Then, alison gave up on driving, Dad drove the two up with alison, and I drove a single (brand new snowmobile). Well we didnt make it more than 1/4 mile before my dad drove the two up into this huge culvert type thing, then I was driving to catch upo with brent, and I flipped the BRAND NEW snowmobile...breaking the mirror, and scaring the bajezzes out of me!!!! I thought it was going to flip on me. Well we gave up and went home. But other than that, it has been a great holiday, and I am so happy to be home. I am enjoying it. I love to see my kids reaction to everything and seeing santa, and sitting in church seeing all my old friends. My have we come a long way. This is soooo amazing. Truly the christmas spirit was alive in this house this christmas holiday.

crap! 2 days

Ok, so I hate when I forget to post, until the next day, so it is like I have two posts for one day, and that is not cool. sigh. So what I am going to write about for "yesterday".
I am not totally sure. I do have a lot on my mind. I do have a lot to process and deal with, which I use this blog for sometimes, but yet, this is open for public eyes to read and basically know about me. While sometimes I do not need certain people reading what I type, because while I vent and get it all out, which makes me feel better, it will only make the other person hurt. Which is NOT what I intended to do. Anyway, I dont know why I went off on THAT tanget.....again...the crazy mystical world of MY MIND!
Last night we wrapped presents, and man that was great. I love just giving to the people I love. I wish there was so much more I could give, but it is not all material right?!?! But I have to say it makes life so much easier if you had material things and words to tell someone how much you love them and appreciate them.
maybe thats a new new years goal......stop letting material items show how I feel, and express myself like I used to!

PRAISE! for the 3 days that are left!

Todays word at church today was Praise.
We need to praise for everything and everyone we have and what the LORD has given us. And while, I dont want to get all religiousy on here, as I wouldnt get all politicy on here during the election, I respect everyones choice for religion....BUT religion aside......we can all still be thankful and give praise for what we do have! Whether we want to thank the LORD for it, or thank yourself...whatever floats your boat....DO IT!!!! Give praise! Give a shout of thanks!
Sometimes it is not what we had planned......but maybe that wasnt "in the plan".
I wanted to have kids. Here I am with two boys...granted this wasnt my plan. I was supposed to have given birth to my kids, etc. etc. etc. That wasnt the plan for me. I endured 4 horrible christmas's without kids....but I am giving praise because now...this christmas is the BEST ever. I would through hell before....so I could finally appreciate and be thankful for what I have this year.
The plan about Ryan being dead this year....yeah I dont understand that one....But GOD does have his reasons.....and I need to respect that. For some reason, unknown to us...we need to celebrate christmas without him. But maybe then we can take this opportunity to give praise for what we DO have.
So everyone....give praise!!!!!!!

4 more days, and I am getting gray hair.....

Ok I am not literally...but I feel like I am losing my mind.
Ok not really. But I am SO happy and excited. I could scream. I also told Devon that Santa does NOT come to houses that are dirty. So today we are having a major cleaning spree. ahaha. It is kind of great actually. For the first time.....he is actually helping me! Woohoo! And I am trying to clean, but Anthony the terror, keeps messing it up! I have this tote full of papers that need to be shredded, I put them all in that tote, to come back seriously a minute later, to find the papers all over the office again! GRRRRRRR. Same with the toys. Poor devon has to clean them up, just to have his terror of a brother pull them all out again. oh to be one!
Also I am beginning to realize what an effect christmas is having on my inlaws. Here I am happy and so excited, and they all are getting more and more depressed. I really dont know what to do. My mother in law is trying to ease the pain of Patty (wife of Ryan, in case you forgot)(oh and in case you doubly forgot...which happens.....Ryan, is brents brother who passed away this august due to Hanta Virus. He left 3 little girls behind)and the girls by buying them more presents and gifts. I am having a hard time with this, because
1. christmas is not about gifts. You shouldnt try to make someone feel better because of the gifts
2. your punshing the other kids (MY kids) because their daddy didnt die, so now they get to watch the girls open tons of presents while they sit there
3. why not take that money and help some other family who NEEDS the presents. There are a TON of people whi have lost their parent(s), and are poor and cannot afford christmas. Put the money there.
4. Brents dads work recently had Patty and the Girls are their family for the year. Which means they seriously brought over a truck load of toys and goodies.......there are so many families who NEED thos things. Why give it to someone who does not want for material goods. Plus, buying gifts will not and does not bring Ryan back.

Ok, maybe it is just hard for me to see their point of view. I know this all sounds super bitchish, please forgive me. BUT I miss Ryan terribly. I do. I dont want christmas without him. This christmas is going to suck with out him being there, doing all those things he does. But, I am not loading myself with presents. I am not putting my sadness into material goods. That is not what Ryan would have wanted, and that is NOT what christmas is all about. They should put that money into a charity under his name, or some kind of memorial. In fact...I will do that with Ryans share of christmas money this year. I wasnt going to do any of that, but I better practice what I preach. I will. Hopefully someone else can benefit from Ryan passing away. It is was Ryan would have wanted.

5!!!!!!

Holy Moly...ok these darn christmas cards! Seriously! I can totally feel the....I dont know the word....the effect kids have on my organization. Every year I was getting my cards out by the very first of december. Either literally the 1st or like the 2nd or 3rd. But this year.....Um it is december 19th and they are STILL sitting on my table!!!!!! blah. Everytime I go and try to take care of them...one of my kids...mainly Anthony....is having a meltdown. Now I dont blame him because he has some major teething issues right now. He is getting his eye teeth in, and I am seriously thinking a molar or two. His jaw is poofy, he has canker sores.....poor babe.
So if you are waiting for your christmas card...I apologize. It is getting there. You will probably get it..literally on christmas! hahaha.
Also , sorry if you get one either because I have lost a lot of addresses! (Like you Lisa!!! I have no clue where the bloody heck your address is! So I apologize!)

6 more days and COUNTING!!!!!!

Seriously..where does time GO!!!! Oh my.
So Brent and I went on a date last night. IT WAS GREAT!
Secondly....goober is driving me nuts. He must be getting his eye teeth in, because this kid whines and cries and wakes up in the middle of the night and thrashes and kickes and cries and whines and screams. He wants me constantly, and he has two canker sores on his tounge, and his upper lip was poofy today, and all he wants is me. Poor babe. We are attempting to do One year photos today...only because I have already canceled it 3 times. I am afraid to call JC Penney anymore, or they might say only 2 cancellations per family! haha
There was something I was going to talk about today...I told my sister that I was...and now I forgot....crap.
Also...the reason why this blog is NOT festive....is....I dont know how!!! Seriously. I am a blog loser. I dont know how to make it pretty :(
or maybe I should actually try........
whatever
Along with previous topics...I must discuss I am so grateful and thankful for my family (yeah yeah Thanksgiving has passed), but I am. Truly am. Thank you family. Not just my husband and my two babes. My mom and dad and sister and brother and his wife and son, and my inlaws and my aunts and my uncles and everyone. Seriously. They help me make me ...well....me everyday!
I see the horrible things people are doing and say oh God! I dont want to end up like that....so I dont. There I just molded myself...thanks to them! Or I see other people being admired, so I focus myself and get myself some goals....and achieve them. Thanks guys! Or listening to them telling me to stand up for myself, or making my outside harder when it needed to be. Thanks. I couldnt be who I am today with out you!!!!
And honestly...why stop at Family. Thank you everyone. All my friends. Even people I stalk blogs. You help me make me me. Thanks for touching my life, and mold me into something that I am happy of today. Thanks for being there when I needed you! I only hope I could do the same for you!! (Like be a postive force...not the negative oh my gosh I dont want to be like Amy thing!!!)

7!!!!!!

Ok, I hope I didnt go and freak anyone out by my huge long explaination of myself yesterday. I should have made it short and sweet, but as we all forget....I need to explain WHY. So basically, in case you are all confused....I used to be a great person...then something happened to me in my life....turned my emotions bitter...and now I am trying to change them to be the Amy that I used to be. Get it?! Got it?! Good!
Now today....we talk about why I want to change myself...er....not CHANGE! People dont change. We fine tune. Why I want to to fine tune....I was noticing my friendships...were no longer....and more importantly...my husband and I seemingly to drift farther and farther apart. I could say that a divorce would be easier, and while he drives me freaking bonkers some times....I want to....but can't. Literally I can't. Not because the church or my momma says no. Because I love him. I love him SO much. He is my soul mate. He is half of me. So why would I divorce that? It is like cutting off my leg and arm. Why would you do that?! So, while we BOTH have a lot to work on, I know a lot of it was brought on because of me. I never used to see that, but recently, I did. I asked Brent what would make him look at me, act, and be the way things used to be?! So we fought and kicked and screamed and hit and cried and all that, and finally....I think we hit the same ball field...FINALLY!!!! But we see eachother now. Plus...the makeup sex after was GGGRRRREEEAAT! But still...keeping it family style.....we are working together finally. No more, well he is doing this, so I will do this. And we both are doing it now. I couldnt be happier....and ever time I say I love him so much, I end up falling more in love with him. I dont know how much more I can fall for this guy. Seriously. I love him so much now my heart hurts. Literally.
But anyway, that was my subject for today......I fine tune not just for me....for my husband too...for us...for our marriage....for our family.

8 more days to GO!!

Ok so change....I really want to change, or I shouldnt even say change...more fine tuning. I love who I am. Honestly I am a great person, bubbly, energetic, and honestly I am a great time. No I am not trying to sell myself, but I have noticed since my journey through infertility, I ended up changing...or fine tuning into something I am not too proud of. I became very bitter, full of hatred, and really not that nice of a person. People probably thought I was a huge bitch, but with reason. I know it is very hard for anyone to understand what I was feeling for the past 4 years if they have not struggeled with infertility themselves. So during this time, all of my friends were getting married (while me, I was already married and trying to have babies), and they were getting pregnant like it was nothing at all (which is how I imagined it to be for me!). Most of them werent even planning, some of them the pg was unwanted at that time, but even if they were planning, it was like we want a baby...fast forward a month or two...WE"RE PREGNANT! And while they would want me to be happy, it was hard. Here I just miscarried my babies, and I am supposed to be happy for them. While dont get me wrong....I WAS very very happy. I never ever ever would ever wish infertility on someone else. Not even people I dislike. But it was hard for me to be showing happy, while I am breaking up inside thinking of my babies in heaven. Thinking could this ever be me?! And try after try, month after month, bloody cycle after (literally) bloody cycle, someone else was getting pregnant, and I was losing hope of ever being a mother. So hence, the bitterness sat in. What did I do? I married. I didn't do drugs or sleep around. I waited until I was married. I loved my husband. We had jobs. we had a stable future and career. I graduated with a degree. This was not fair. So the hatred set in. hatred for myself that I couldnt be openly happy for my friends, hatred that they could get pregnant, hatred that I couldnt have a big round belly.
Anyway, so as time progressed, I just sank more and more into myself, until finally that blessed day I got Devon. And I have to say, my life is full of rainbows and happy stars. And my little pumpkin Anthony. seriously, I could be a happier person. I am SO fleaping happy. I can actually be happy for other people now! They get pregnant, they tell me, and I AM HAPPY! I can be happy on the outside. I can go to showers and be happy! I was there for the birth of my nephew. It was amazing. I am so happy.
But, I think because I spent so many years being bitter and unhappy, I still feel traces of that left in me. I think it is kind of a drug. It was easier for me to be unhappy, lock myself up, and hate everyone. Now that I am happy, trying to reconnect with old friends, it is like some of that still is in my system. I sometimes want to be bitter again because even though I have my boys, I still havent been pregnant. I havent felt sick with morning sickness or felt them move in my belly. I havent breast fed. All things important to me.
Sometimes these flickers of despair still surge up and question whether or not I will ever feel that. I dont know. I would like to hope that I will.
Anyway, so new years resolution #1. fine tune myself to control these flickers, and truly be happy with what I have. Never minding the future. Living in the now. Being Happy with life and the life around me!

oh my gosh....and 9 more days to go!

This weekend was a great weekend! We went snowmobiling for the first time this year in our brand new snowmobile gear, on the brand new snowmobiles. It was pretty great!We did see open water, which was a little freaky, but we turned around and were outta there with no prob.
After, Devon decided to ignore all of our pleads and requests and DEMANDS that he watches where he drives, and drove his brand new little snowmobile, right into Grandpas new snowmobile......ouch. Luckily no one was hurt (just my hands, from clentching on so hard telling myself that DIDN"T really happen, and for me to control myself and not lash out at my son.)
Again no matter damage. Just some plastic. whew!!!!
We had a big huge storm here this weekend too, which added like 2 feet of snow to our ground. Lovely.
Other than that.....cant think of too much else. I CANT WAIT TILL CHRISTMAS! I should really try and write everyday until christmas. That would be lovely. Maybe something about change or something. Prepping for the new year.
With that I will stop......so I can have something to talk about tomorrow! hahahahahah

It's beginning to look a lot like christmas!

everywhere I go!!!!

Oh man I love the christmas season. It just gets me so excited. And while I have to say, I hate saying I feel so excited for christmas, because I almost feel horrible for feeling so excited because Ryan will not be here this christmas. I am seriously almost dreading spending christmas with brents side because that means Ryan will not be there. Everyone will be sad. Including me. I want christmas to be fun. Is that selfish?! I try not to think it is because christmas IS a time of rejoicing. And while a lot of our loved ones are not here to celebrate with us (either because they live far away or they are in heaven), we should still be rejoicing that Jesus was born on this day for us, and that we should be thankful and happy for our families. So I am trying to stay positive and upbeat and not let the negativity get me down. BECAUSE I LOVE CHRISTMAS! And to think, seriously, a year ago today, I was the most depressed person you had ever met. There was nothing more that I wanted to have a baby, and to be a family....a REAL family with my husband. And here, a year later, I have 2 of the most amazing boys you have EVER SEEN!!!! AHHHH!!!! I am the most happiest and thankful person!!

I should try and change my blog to make it more festive....my house...why cant my blog be?!?!?! I will work on that!!!!